Hapless Class

“A French-cuffed shirt requires cuff links; it seems pretty obvious to me now. However, 10 years ago, when I first removed the pins and packaging from a dress shirt and threaded my arms through the sleeves, I was that most hapless class of human being— a college intern.”
-“A High-Finance Fashion Low” by D. Craig Elbert, New York Times.

Further Thoughts on Social Media: The Cover Photo

Of the many moral crossroads I have found myself standing before on Facebook, (including, but by no means limited to: whether or not I should sarcastically “like” a status, (tip: liking a status does not translate as ironic on Facebook), whether or not I should leave a let-me-put-you-in-check comment and whether or not I should just straight up delete yo ass), the cover photo is the most profoundly puzzling of all.

Cover Photo is a new feature that comes with Facebook’s updated, shining, extra-lurked out, souped up version of itself. This new layout is called The Timeline. It aims to record your every movement, your every event in life, (which is a button you can click on to make a status change so earth-shattering that it warrants “Life Event”hood). Facebook is now more closely intertwined with your real existence in the world than ever. Cool. No, that’s wonderful.

Forthwith, you must choose another picture on top of your profile photo that encapsulates you in 50 KB or less. This is the Cover Photo, and I never realized the crucial, pressing urgency that comes along with it until I acquired The Almighty Timeline myself.

Cover Photo Choice is a subtle art; a highly rarified opportunity for people to show yet another picture on Facebook. (You already have 1,500—why stop there?) It takes serious skill to figure The Perfect Cover Photo, so, I implore you: choose wisely. 

One should not put up a picture of his or her self, unless he or she is in said photo with at least one other person —the former is simply narcissistic. One should not put up a meaningful photo either, for that cheapens it, right? But it should not be just some block color or pattern, no way—what is this, some kind of abstraction? This is serious. This is The Cover Photo. A favorite painting? Statue? Drawing your six year old son did a week ago? A stale pile of crap. A public figure you admire? No. Too staid. Jesus. This endeavor is slowly proving more daunting than you ever conceived before you switched over to Timeline. 

So you settle on, say, a photo of birds sitting on a line in Berkeley, CA. Trees with gnarled, shriveled branches dotted by fall’s yellowing leaves on the bottom of the frame. Or a sunset, glistening over water. A picture of colored beams of light at a rave. I’m just guessing here.

In any case, you’ve got to seriously mull over Your Cover Photo. Take some time to do it, because before you know it, Facebook will have pulled the rug from beneath you once more and you’ll need three freaking Cover Photos. What’s next, Zuckerberg?

PS, while writing this, I found a little thing called a Map, right on the front of my Timeline, that chronicles all my check-ins and whereabouts. People can click on this, and see this. Interesting.